Archive for category Alex’s Blog

My own caption contest

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I know you’re about to read this blog…look at my red kerchief and contemplate the following: Is that a flashy sport coat accessory or a red arrow pointing to my man meat? Choose wisely, but before you do…please enjoy the blog.

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Khloe Karsashian, proving that she not only dresses like a snake but eats like one. After successfully re-hinging her jaw uses her hands to work the 2 foot mufalatta down into her lower intestines. Next stop, Cloaca!!!

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I think we have enough evidence now to prove that Jesse James is into tattooed skanks. I like how they she tries to look classy by doing her hair and wearing a classy dress. Sorry, Kat…that’s like trying to wrap herpes in glittery tinsel paper and handing it off as a gift.

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So let me get this straight, after Sandra Bullock gets dubbed America’s sweetheart because she got cheated on by Jesse James with YOU….you decide it would be funny to get your picture taken licking a picture of her. That’s about as smart an idea as getting a spider web tat on your ‘eye booger’ zone to match your faux blue blocker eye shading.

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Emma Stone Blonde?….Absolutely

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I don’t think there is a man alive that has more taut skin coverage over the orbital socket. It’s all that tight skin can do to hold his eyeballs in place. Also, you’re a shoe-in for a critics choice award when you come dressed as “black suit jesus.” I mean holy crap, I’ve seen many paintings and stained glass pictures of Jesus…but Christian Bale totally out-Jesuses Jesus’s hair in any of those. I really hope that’s what the award was for.

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You can see the look of concern slowly creep over Natalie Portman’s face as she realizes that the man she just married who subsequently impregnated her was an experiment gone awry where scientists attempted to merge Harry Connick Jr. with Quentin Tarantino’s head but with a 16 pound Brain (Yes, that’s twice the weight Jonathan Lipnicki)

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Attempting to emulate her Idol Margaret Cho, Julia Stiles began a 2 month regimen on the “Fat faced Asian-eye diet” which consists of spam, bok choi, and bean curds washed down with gravy. I mean seriously…she fucking ate her eyes chinese!!

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Yuck Favre, Bret’s twin sister, found herself in jail again on drug charges. Other than the drug charges she’s just like Bret except for the fact that he had her face bleached, sandblasted, and melanoma’d so no one would get them confused lest she try to mess up his legacy further by sending pictures of her cock to various women.

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Teen mom, Amber receiving the award for most likely to match her cell phone with her pink colts jersey. A lesser known accolade after being the initial spokeswoman for Margaret Cho’s “eat yourself asian” by narrowly beating out Julia Stiles.

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Nicole Kidman…A forced smile which seems to indicate “yeah, I’m happy with my face…..I guess”

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Selma Blair, a lifelong Frank Zappa fan seems despondent after meeting her idol and realizing that the only way she was able to get his signature was to rip the sleeves off of a provided t-shirt and rip the neck line down to quote “let em breathe!”

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Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan’s ex lesbo girlfriend has some fun with the paparazzi with this enigmatic hand motion. Smoking weed or going yodeling in the gulley…you decide. For smoking weed text “Blunt” to 87356, for muff diving text “C#$%” to 2868.

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Who says we aren’t a force for good in the world. We’ve exported our pop culture jersey shore phenomena to pyong yang and effectively indoctrinated the country’s youth. Vietnam was a stale mate my ass. Try sending Khuna Sah back to the rice patty to harvest the country’s number one export after she’s bolted the door to her own personal smoosh room.

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Stephanie Seymour really knows how to tap into my childhood nostalgia. I can just remember being a young man hanging out with my mom in the ocean when she offered to fix my swim trunk string after my balls shifted during an Oedipus boner (good name for a band)

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Stephanie thwarts her son’s advances by turning her face last minute to force a cheek kiss. Hey whore, it’s your fault for leading him on. I mean look at him he’s already got half a titty, that’s a victory in my book.

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Ok now you’re just fucking with me.

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caption contest

Hey Guys….This is a new segment I started in which my friends participate in a daily caption contest. This is a compilation of the pictures and the winning entries of the first three weeks. Keep up the good work and try not to suck.

Christine Nickerson Robbins “I missed winning the caption contest by THIS much!”

Sharmin Cobb “If you tell anyone I borrowed your teeth, you’re a dead man!”

Casey Michalski “Don’t tickle my belly buttonnnn, it’s a direct line to a PROSTATE ORGASM”

Justin Johnson “Luckily for K-Fed, Target now accepts food stamps”

Casey Michalski “Billy Zane catches a breather, though with no remorse, after flipping the table at breakfast with his fiancée.”

Aj Savon “You had me at burrito”

Aj Savon ‎”I’m not one of those people who is going to stop being fun just because I’m 9 months pregnant. FIRE!!”

Justin Johnson “Judd Nelson looks proudly on while the sane Estevez brother chokes the homosexuality out of Mike Hall. All that can be heard from Sheedy is, “fucking Ringwold..no talent whore”. Behind the Movie-Breakfast Club”

Casey Michalski “creeper Frank “the feline” Rosenbaum poses for a photo during some downtime at his local roller rink, where he rents out skates part time.”

Colleen Gill Scott “After the epic sword fight shredded David’s pants and half his hair he celebrated his victory by flipping up his high tops and posing for this picture…then rock was born.”

Peter Pachoumis “Time to grease the wheels!”

Justin Johnson “Proof there is a God: Kenny G is banished to hell to attend his own shows with his chap wearing dopelganger and rejected extras from Dynasty. Burn, bitch, burn”

Peter Pachoumis “Sloth love chunk! Baby Ruth?!?”

Justin Johnson “Is not (taking my ball and going home)”

Kevin Michalski ‎”Me rikey sno-cone!”
“You grew up in Queens, dad. Stop doing that voice.”

“Me rikey sno-cone.”

Aj Savon “the umbrella-fan combination is the only thing photographers found to keep gay men from falling off the pillar amidst the Italian restaurant theme”

Colleen Gill Scott “Every year the McDoogie family let’s a family member pic the pose for the annual portrait. This year was Donna’s turn (upper left). “Hold a bear if you care” she titled the portrait. Bobby, holding an apple, was either stupid or showing his dislike for his adopted sister.”

Justin Johnson “Even though the price was right, Verne Troyer was taking no chances. Afterall, this was still Courtney Love”

Kevin Michalski ‎”Why are you girls so happy?”
“Because Alex still hasn’t figured out how to put full-size pictures on here! This works in our favor because we’re all ugly as fuck. And nobody can tell!”

Kevin Michalski My caption: “If I have to take one more picture with a fat virgin retard, I’m gonna kill MYSELF off.”

Colleen Gill Scott ‎”Please don’t make me.” says little Sally. Mom looks on smugly

Kevin Michalski ‎”I wanna watch Matlock.”
“You know the drill, grandma. Now get back down there.”
“Such a big boy…”

Scott Michalski “As it turns out, John Wayne Gacy is still alive and he figures “hey, i gotta little room left in my crawlspace.”

Justin Johnson “If you woulda put it there the first time we wouldn’t be in this situation!”

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The good ole’ Entertainment news

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Channeling his contribution to the lion king soundtrack 16 years ago, Elton John sings the African intro to the movie where the lion sits on the mountain top and all the animals perk up. In this case, however the only thing perking up is a swarm of gays in pastel speedos worshipping at the altar of 60 year old gay cock.

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As Elton serenades one pillow biter in particular he tells him “Mr. Purple you’ve always been my favorite now show daddy some love.” :Ain’t that some shit!” said the black gay in the background feeling slightly left out.

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“Thaat’s it purple…get your footing aaaaaand Suck it,” Elton sings. “Tsss…what about me?” complains red. “Oh no no no..” continues black in the back.

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Black in the back can no longer hide his rage at being upstaged by two wiry white guys, especially when one of them has chest hair like Blanka from Street Fighter II.

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“You’re my favorite now, Gray cock-n-balls” Gray C-n-B knew he had it in the bag when he did his signature Magic Johnson sky-hook-look-of-disinterest combo.

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“Daddy loves him some gay sky-hook!” Jilted purple can’t hold back his shock and heart break, especially after performing ballet-fellatio on Elton…..rocketman jizz still fresh on his soul patch.

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A cross-dressing Sting can’t stand being left out of the fun and games and storms the stage. Using three microphones he does his best impression of Elton in the bathroom five minutes ago…”Look I’ve got three cocks in me hand!” Elton swats him on the head with a newspaper for being naughty while pretending to be outraged.

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Justin Bieber, who attended the show and found himself in the bathroom with Elton, was asked how many cocks he made disappear in various holes.

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Spencer Pratt, who couldn’t be seen at a gay event, went incognito as a bum outside the theater by putting on his camouflaged hat and holding an armful of trash, not thinking that his $10,000 gold Rolex would give him away. Using his binoculars with his flesh-colored beard he tries to catch a glimpse of the festivities.

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“Yeah, that’s right…I got a watch on my right arm too….both of them synched to “awesome”

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Britney Spears attended a tour of the Elvis estate in Memphis,Tennessee when she had to stabilize herself on a golden shelf in order to keep the pending “shart” from going nuclear. Seriously, what the hell is she wearing? Boots with the toes cut out, a pair of guy’s underwear, tank top and lips tattooed on her wrist? Trailer-chic.

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“Oh my Goood ya’ll…that Britney shart was brutal. It hit me right in my face hole right here!”

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The “shart heard round the world” even hit Tom Cruise on the set of “knight and day.” “What is that mesmerizing aroma,” Tom stated. “It’s like a mix of red bull, a cheese-chili-dog, and Xanax….Did Lindsay Lohan open a new lunch cart?”

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“WHaaaat?” Lindsay was quoted as saying in response to Tom’s query, as she updated her facebook status via I-phone. “Lindsay became a fan of walking with two beverages while wearing a Russian t-shirt.”

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Lindsay Lohan was almost side-lined by the Britney shart but was able to wave it off thanks to her leopard skin shirt and Xena warrior princess mood ring. “Guys that shart made the chalupa I had a few hours earlier bubble to the top. “ I wanna save you the stank and get rid of this monster in an honorable way.”

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Linday’s bodyguard, Tyrone monitors Lindsay’s directional ass blast into the limo with concern that it doesn’t turn “wet” claiming “I didn’t sign up for this shit” afterwards. Hey who cares about the driver?

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“Yeah so the driver should be coherent in an hour or two after that anal rampage, just enough time to embarrass myself in whatever club I’m heading into now. Does anyone have a jergens hand wipe so I can take a quick hooker shower?”

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Scared that her “keeping up with the Kardashian’s” gig will soon be up Khloe decides to cement her future income by getting pregnant with hubby Lamar Odom’s baby. Considering that the entire family failed sex-ed class, Kim collected some of Lamar’s semen after a particular sexy lay-up and administered the jizz to Khoe’s gargantuan face using the purple vitamin water applicator. “Easy street here I come…gurglelahhaggghllele” Khloe was quoted as saying.

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As per court mandate, Lady Gaga is forced to wear a muzzle (which she bedazzled herself) while signing autographs with her blue sharpee after it was found that her saliva was laced with jizz, blood, arsenic, and mountain dew.

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Little Jose is a little wary of the muzzle’s effectiveness after his cousin paid $20 to have Gaga sign his head. “I don’t know if dees muzzle is working correctly because my head is tingling of sharpee, aids, and regret…..dios mio!”

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Jenna Jameson forces her best smile in lieu of allegations that Tito Ortiz beat her about the face and man handled her arms to the point aggrevated bruising. It’s like they say, nothing cures what domestic violence ails you than a bow in your hair and surfing a sweet wave with your yellow board.

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Miley Cyrus uses a backdrop of colorful peacock feathers to take the onus off of the idea that her dad is famous for a shitty musical single and the fact that guys are beating off to an underage girl. A party in the USA indeed. “Achy Breaky Anus” to be released after Joe Billingsworth’s memoirs are set to music for being imprisoned for statutory jerking it to VH-1.

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This week in Entertainment!

So I think this post is a little weak, but that’s ok because they all can’t be great. I hope you comment if you like it. Soon I will be moving this blog to a new website that combines both the podcast and the blog. It always cracks me up so hopefully it makes you chuckle. Suck it, people.

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The Octomom shows off her breast enlargement and new wicker fedora in a new photo shoot showing off her amazing body? Her stomach looks like the slab of meat the rocky beat up on during that training montage. Also, why does her mouth look like Jack Nicholson’s Joker?

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Mischa Barton has her gloveless fingered makeup artist cover up her hobo hickey as she points her dead eyes towards her drug supplier to dip her cherry lollipop into his travel dish of cocaine.

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A nice bump of cocaine seems to be the only thing to keep her mind off the fact that she let the homeless “pants on the ground” guy suck on her neck in an attempt to leach off of his temporary fame.

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“Yes, I listened to John Mayer’s shitty music while we were dating.”

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Carrie Prejean allows a scripted nip slip for the cameras to take the attention away from the lifeguard she just blew to get his tapioca consistency jizz out of her hair. “Babe, I told you it’s been a while and I totally didn’t know that my un-viscous jizz wouldn’t come out after I dunked your head in the ocean.”

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Miley Cyrus’s PR agent has a look of grave concern after she realizes that the paparazzi’s cameras are now equipped with black light technology and totally picked up the remnants of the gangbang jizz fest (also the name of her new album). Miley does what she can to steady herself as she tries to walk smoothly while battling an achy and raw vagina.

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Christina Aguilera, always classy, attempts to pull the spandex out of her funbox so she can gracefully accept her new star on Hollywood boulevard. “Try Morningstar Douche-lube…for when you’re feeling ‘dirrrty’”

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Heide Montag, tired of Spencer molesting her in front of cameras decided to bring a copy of her latest playboy spread as a buffer to keep Spencer occupied during the opening of the G.I. Joe movie. Just as a precaution she puts her mini purse in front of her vaj just in case Spencer realizes that he’s just fucking a magazine.

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Snookie from the “Jersey Shore” is looking forward to a quiet evening alone when she realizes that the bartender used “early times” whiskey in her bourbon and root beer and decided it was Game On!

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“That’s right bitches…yeah…it’s pole dancing time” The girl in the fedora quickly reaches for her camera to catch the impromptu “moose knuckle” while snookie’s black bodyguard finally says “fuck it!”

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Mel Gibson after watching Jeff Dunham’s latest comedy special thinks that he can let loose a tirade of anti-Semitic comments and totally blame it on the ventriloquist beaver that he holds in his left hand. “fucking jews!”

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Mel gives a look of defeat after being found out, after he realizes that “Dude, you totally have your hand all up in that beaver!” doesn’t mean quite what it used to. It was only later that Mel realized that he couldn’t sell it unless he was drinking a glass of water during the speech and not actually moving his mouth.

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The crowd cheered Mark Mcgwire calling his swing into the stands ala Babe Ruth. It wasn’t until later that they realized that he was merely signaling his roid dealer that along with his juice fix he wanted to give the dugout groupie the semi-shocker. That’s two in the pink and not necessarily one in the stink. Go cards!

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Tiger Woods attempts to revive his image by hanging out with quarterback Tony Romo. Little does he know that Tony is fearful of Tiger’s horniness and immediately covers his nuts wondering whether or not he should take his name off his PHONE!!!

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Tiger: “Seriously dude, I wasn’t going to try anything and frankly you’re making me look bad.
Tony: “I know bro…I hear what you’re saying. I’ll let you have your way with me in the locker room and don’t worry I will erase your number from my voicemail.”
Tiger eases Tony’s fears by wearing his hat which indicates how many brown fingers he wants to put in Romo’s balloon knot.

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Tired of being the spokeswoman for domestic violence, Rihanna attempts to go incognito by wearing the carrot top “fun disguise” complete with silly red hair, shades, and wicker prop basket.

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Rihanna meticulously removes the “sadness pubes” off of her tongue and places them on her plate of domestic violence memorabilia while wearing her strategically placed swimsuit that covers the bruises when Chris Brown was “letting off some steam.”

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Kate Gosselin in a post-divorce haze, crazily wheels her homeless “u promise” shopping cart full of bags of her own feces as a message to the t.v. execs that they promised to keep the show going.

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Jessica Simpson’s portly body guard blocks off the paparazzi coming in from the left side totally forgetting the sly crazed fan who goes for an impulsive boob grab under the premise of putting extra M&M’s in her Louis Vitton bag.

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After taking a public bathroom hooker shower, Lindsay Lohan does a quick cooter-taste to see if she’s presentable enough for a night on the town.

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“ssssso yeah…Lindsay just totally gave herself a frontal oil check before slithering into her camo pants.” Lindsay’s gay friend Lars said to his fag hag right behind him before attending the “homosexual shorty shorts, dredlock beanie, yellow man-purse extravaganza.

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That’s right folks….Seal cums chocolate.

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The Spelling BEE!

Back by popular demand this is a repost of one of the infamous spelling bee blogs. For those of you that don’t know, the spelling bee is by far my favorite programming on ESPN. There’s nothing better than a collection of awkward pre-pubescent nerds sharing the national spotlight and displaying their OCD to the world. Enjoy. Also…thanks everyone for checking it out and tell your friends or landlord.

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The spelling bee is a time when socially awkward teens are judged on their ability to compete with other kids, in front of their family, a large crowd, and about 50 million viewers. This is like the perfect storm for comedy. Young Saalam is putting all his hopes on the good graces of Vishnu: the God of spelling and curry, to help him out on this next word so he doesn’t have to settle for his plan B: running the neighborhood quickie mart.

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After spelling the word correctly Saalam is told he can only take the trophy home if he can effectively lift it above his head.

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Naaaghgaaahhh!! Suck on that Kiwi-Cherry flavored slurpee!

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Young Shanti ponders the prominence of the gay marriage debate in the next presidential election between spelling rounds as a stipulation of being sponsored by the San Francisco Chronicle.

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Although ultimately not winning the competition, Kachem proved invaluable as one of the judges announced she lost her wedding band in a nearby bathroom drainage pipe and wondered if anyone had an arm skinny enough to fish it out.

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Contestant # 103 glares in disgust at 102’s shameless cocky attitude by proving that she can simply “air spell” the word in her hand without the use of the number tag. Also, I love 103’s shirt slogan. I haven’t seen an Indian girl that cocky since Sackajaweeah thought she could steal the dollar coin out from under Susan B. Anthony’s nose.

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Robert Martin from the Guinness book of world records brought his camera to this Manhattan sidewalk to capture the impossible. That’s right, people with more time on their hands than the kids and parents that participate in the spelling bee. Fucking protestors who have not only taken the time to make misspelled signs but have managed to border them with fruity coloring paper.

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“Uhhh…are you sure I’m supposed to be here?” “ I came here to give the specific free throw percentage for Lebron James in hopes of winning Caveliers tickets, but you got me next to so many nerdy white kids I feel like Allen Iverson being tutored to make grades.”

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In response to a mental meltdown, Parminder simultaneously takes a snort of the cocaine residue on the inside of her placard and flashes her sexy pedicure to the male judges on the panel hoping that at least one of them is a pedophile.

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“Yeah…umm…This Chinese muthafucka asleep!”

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Mau Ling attempts to spell “Harassment” as #4 blatantly check to see if “Red Beans and Rice didn’t miss her”

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A plethora of celebration in three parts: 1: “I’m so happy, here dad take my paycheck while I smell your pungent cologne. 2: “ Oh shit…did I just give my dad my paycheck?” 3: Hey fucking judge…someone fill this trophy with beer so I can forget that I just financed my dad’s new slushee machine.”

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(Yaaaawn). “Shit, if these fuckers can’t even spell Onomatopoeia I might as well go back to playing pocket pool and wearing white socks with brown slacks.”

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Mike and Mike in the morning take a minute to interview the 1982 winner of the Scripps Howard national spelling bee who used to be 6’2” but has since withered from his former glory attempting to discuss the pitfalls of the silent “E” and his recent work on TLC’s “little people big world” as a stunt double for Zachary in the episode where they replaced his shunt.

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“Hi, so my name is Kelly and I totally highlighted my hair to separate myself from all the ethnic kids who usually win the spelling bee. I guess you could call me the great white hope with a blonde streak!.” Meanwhile, Shakari, posing as a reporter holds the microphone in a Samurai stance prepping for the inevitable beheading that will occur if this Caucasian unseats Hindi domination.

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The Spelling Bitches in Yo Face!!!! I haven’t seen this many sweaty receding hairlines since right before the Enron verdict a few months ago.

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Meanwhile the Boys of the Spelling bee Strut their stuff and pose for their new pinup calendar entitled “The Unfuckables”

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“Three, Two, One…annnd ACTION!!!” , yells the camera man right before the final showdown between dork #1 who is praying for victory and dork #2 who is futily trying to hold in the inevitable “battle dump.”

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The two white kids still in the tournament high-five each other while the Korean contestant stares down his opponent and threatens to put on his “raiden hat” from mortal combat to complete the intimidation. Whitey McDorkerson casually strokes his bifocal straps as if to say “bring it bitch!”

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The Scripps-Howard makeup artist attempts to do a last minute cover-up of the blood vessels popped in the eye of #28 after he tried aimlessly to hold in the “nervous poo!”

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Evan O’Dorney, the eventual winner of the spelling bee was cleverly equipped with the new black Everlast “wrist straightener” in an attempt to un-gay the victory ceremony.

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As the first white kid in years to win the spelling bee, Evan O’Dorney goes spiritual and opens his hands in a Buddhist sentiment to indicate openness and unity among races.

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Upon hearing that he would be interviewed by Stuart Scott, Evan immediately closes his hands and locks them in a closed position signifying the Buddhist interpretation of “Not This Motherfucker!”

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A local reporter writes down an immediate transcript of Evan’s Victory Speech after the ESPN microphone failed due to an overabundance of tard-vibes and spittle.

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“Are you fucking serious!! I won third place!??!!” “Somebody, quick help me take off this 1950’s era nerd-skirt…because I’m doling out the pussy tonight!!”

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In a conciliatory 4th place send off, “bracelet-girl’s” mom does a queen-like wave while her daughter launches into a full on “Meeeahh heaahh” ala Millhouse from the Simpsons.

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“Fuck”

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The Entertainment News!

Hey guys, so we started the new blog and I appreciate all you guys for reading. There was some difficulty in leaving comments on the new site but all you have to do is type your comment in the comment box and then under “comment as” type in your name and leave the URL blank and then just hit post comment, If something comes up…just hit post comment again and it should go right up. Enjoy the Entertainment News!

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“Hey everyone…did you enjoy Alex making fun of me on the first blog? I don’t like how he overemphasized my gayness…btw, I’m pretending this mic is my penis.” Nice Bouffant hair by the way, adam. The last time someone put that much product in their hair, Richie Valens’ plane went down because it was too heavy.

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“Yeaaah Boy…that’s the last time Rihanna mouths off on me. I’ll put a ho in her place!”

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“Ohh Thnap…that bitch got legal representation?”

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Doing his best Michael Jackson impression with complete with crotch grab and plastic moon boots, Chris Brown indicates with his tattooed arm that he’s not above “stabbing a bitch”

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LeShawn has a look of utter terror after realizing that his non-coordination may have cost him his job. Instead of picking lady gaga up by her stomach and lifting her up, he was supposed to put his entire hand up her pooter and do the whole “poker face” song ala Jeff Dunham and pretend she was a wooden dummy.

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“This is where your fucking hand goes, LeShawn, right here! Dammit! “ Back-up dancers Javier and Jose jump on the bandwagon and illustrate her point…”Yeah Esse…right here…En la Vaginaaa!”

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After watching the latest installment of the James Bond Franchise, John Gosselin steps out of his New York City cab and addresses the paparazzi as “Bag….Douch…Bag”

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Defining himself as “too cool to speak” John wore the t-shirt that does all the work for him. That, and his ‘don’t give a fuck face’ while indicating “Surf’s up” almost closes the deal on the “marginal hawaiin poon” demographic.

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Attempting to get out of the car to do a photo-op his publicist immediately puts his hand on the car door and forces Hasselhof back in. So much for season 1 of “America’s got stupid beret”

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Enjoying one of the more lesser-known Starbucks holiday flavors, Helen Hunt reluctantly sips the “He chose poorly” Mocha-chino inspired by Indiana jones and the last crusade. Yeah…all the nerds got this one.

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“How I met your mother” star Jason Segel eagerly takes home a passed-out count Dracula in hopes of sodomizing him. Witnesses say the counts last words were “One, two, three roofies…ha ha ha ha ha (lightning)”

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Not to be outdone by her sister Khloe who married Lamar Odom, Kourtney Kardashian displays her pregnant belly after being knocked up by Kanye West.

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“Holy shit, If you’re really quite you can almost feel the regret and food stamps kicking!”

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Ready for a night on the town, Lindsay Lohan has all the essentials: crack lighter, cell phone, and orange soda. “Sooo I’m totally not looking my best right now and I’m all out of orange soda…isn’t there any sort of arrangement we can come to?”

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Not realizing she’s hit rock bottom, Lindsay Lohan vigorously gives the paparazzi a mediocre hand job in promises of a refill of her now empty Sunkist.

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Attempting to give the camera her best sultry look with her right titty exposed, Lindsay’s Belgian lover Sven yanks her back to bed reminding her that she has yet to adjust his homosexual bra strap and finish buttering his croissant as she grabs for one.

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In a candid moment Lindsay poses for the camera as she smokes a cigarette while grabbing the back of her assistant Yolanda’s head prompting her not to cheat at “naked spic tic-tac-toe” while she isn’t looking.

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“Dude give me your sister’s number…I had no idea she’d sprout titties like that!”

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Tara Reid ran out of gas on the Pacific Coast highway and is forced to hitchhike hoping that her warm coke zero and roast beef hoagie will make up for her 80-year-old legs and withered Vaj.

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Thinking she’s finally found a ride it wasn’t until five hours later than Lindsay realized she’d spent the afternoon propositioning a stop sign pole.

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Thinking the scandal was behind him, Tiger Woods looks at the 18th hole at Augusta wondering why security didn’t stop a would-be blonde mistress from breaking his concentration.

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“How the fuck am I supposed to do this chip shot with that bitch and her sign all up in my face?”

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“Yeaahhh wooo hooo….use the 8-iron Tiger!!!”

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“Just a crazed fan….huh motherfucker?”

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“I’d like to announce my temporary hiatus from golf pending my new endeavor of providing golf lessons for my lovely wife Elin, who is apparently still struggling with her irons.”

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The AMA’s

Hey Guys,

Welcome to the new site of my blog. It’s been about a year since I posted my weekly or so blogs on myspace and since I’ve been busy doing my podcast Grab the Nub. Well the blog is back with it’s own site….so if you liked it before I’m sure you’ll hate it now. I’d thought I’d start it off with a recap of the Music Awards…so check that shit out.

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Janet Jackson opened the 2009 Ama’s with a tribute to her late brother Michael. I like how every one of her background dancers is wearing the S.A.R.S masks. Although they said that the knee pads were recreating MJ’s dance outfit, I think it’s a safety precaution for when Macauley Culkin demands oral on a whim you have to be ready to go. They say the knees are the first thing to go after all.

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(From left to right) Whitney Houston calls out her dealer for not supplying her with her pre-performance crack hookup, Uncle Ben is despondent wondering if he left the rice on too long, Janet is covering her mouth just remembering she forgot her S.A.R.S mask, Chris Judd is wondering if he pulled off his King Tut look, Diane Lane wonders if her new career path as a backup dancer will work out, and Sway from MTV mad that his big “let my hair out of my wool cap” moment won’t be as awesome as when KISS went without makeup. (exhale) …was that a stretch? You decide.

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Surprised backup dancer in the back is trying to decide whether or not Adam Lambert is gay by determining which is more enjoyable for him: thrusting his penis into his Aunt’s belly button or taking it in the rear from metro pole-grabbing Zorro.

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Case Closed

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In a last ditch effort to bring him to the hetero side, back up dancer “Kiki” shamelessly uses her hand to Entice Adam to have sex with her and give her an “A” on her “keep ryan from being gay” test. In response, Adam Lambert ala Gandalf pounds his staff on the stage and screams “You Shall Not Pass!!!”

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Adam triumphantly displays how many wieners he can fit into his “funhole” after he’s had time to do his yoga pre-stretches.

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Kelly Clarkson Proudly displays the dress she won at the 2009 hotdog eating contest in which she received a bedazzled stud each time she inhaled a coney island chili dog.

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Hey everyone…I’m Val Kilmer…you may remember me…. I thought I’d go incognito as a hipster Rabbi at this year’s AMA’s and the only one who is suspicious of who I am is a homeless Levar Burton over my right shoulder who is desperately hoping for “Reading Rainbow: The next generation”

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This could be one of those photo hunt games in what the left pic has that the right doesn’t. Uh…no Hacidic curls, no city background,alcoholic cheek flush, shit-eating glare, “V for Vendetta” rip off fedora, smirk at the knowledge that you can do the “top gun cheek clench” if asked.

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As the Gravity of his past transgressions set in, it took a concerned Tracy Morgan to highlight the scope of his faux pas. “I told you that it was only a matter of time before the ‘Race Queen’ would come down from her perch and get on your ass for being a white shitty rapper from Detroit and selling more albums than snoop!!”

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“Sorry bitch”

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“Listen, Cracker, I don’t give a fuck that Dre took you under his wing. You try some shit like that again I will destroy you! The only reason I’m only taking your past movie award instead of your ghetto pass is that you had the good sense to get rid of that awful fucking dye job.”

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Lady Gaga, in her intro to the AMA’s thought she would go old fashioned and do a “period piece” HA, I get it!!!

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Guillermo in the back is angry at tyrone for continuing his use of the S.A.R.S mask even after the memo that lady gaga was “clean.” Leroy, at the right, is not so convinced and does his own investigating.

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“Ah HA! I knew it…Anal Fissures!!!” As Leroy makes this on-the-spot declaration lady gaga responds with a belated “whoops!” while Mai ling in the foreground freaks out and runs for cover.

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“You happy Gaga?” Leroy Declares, as he rolls out a backup dancer victim of her virally contagious anal fissures. Meanwhile, little Re Re gives a microscopic second-look at her butt declaring…”Damn Leroy …you is Right!”

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“Oh shit…Leroy’s Right!”

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Miguel sounds the alarm by declaring “Anal Fissures in the HOOOUUSE!!!” Gaga glares defiantly into the camera and dares someone to call her out while and emotional Leroy pleads “I knew it was you Fredo…You broke my HEART!!!!”

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To redeem her image, Lady gaga kisses an unsuspecting Kermit hoping that some good can come of this night and he will turn into a charming prince that will sweep her off her feet.

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“Fuck!” So much for that. Meanwhile…Heidi Klum still hoping for Kermit.

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In a pre-airtime check Megan Fox makes sure that she got the last remnants of coke off her upper lip before taping begins. Even her Marilyn Monroe tattoo looks embarrassed.

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Joe Perry still angry that his last “wicken” girlfriend cursed him with aggressive skunk hair that flairs up anytime he’s in the public eye.

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As he leans in for a kiss from Katy Perry his skunk hair leaps into action and immediately jabs a white bang into her eye before their lips lock. The wicken girlfriend themed face on the guitar smiles in sadistic satisfaction.

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Pink, in an effort to revive her career was told she would have a scandalous piece in this year’s AMA’s by exposing her left titty and fucking Adam Lambert in the ass with a strap-on (which she mimics blindfolded). Unfortunately, event sponsors had a change of heart and decided to make her think it would happen but then yank her off the stage with a pulley before the performance began. “We fixed the Glitch!”

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Kanye West showers his girlfriend in kisses choosing to ignore the charges that she looks like someone poured 10 gallons of cottage cheese into an old snake skin.

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“Wait bitch, I haven’t had the chance to be a total douche-bag, motherfucker, overrated, stupid asshole, bad haircut, retarded glasses, ridiculous shirt, totally inappropriate, jackass (obama), inflated ego, no-talent, ignorant, upstaging, unwanted, cocksucker, asshole yet….thank you!”

Welcome back to the blog, Bitches!

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