Archive for December, 2005

Verbal Diarrhea Except Not Really Verbal Since I’m Not Talking

You know the term “Verbal Diarrhea” people use sometimes? Like when somebody just starts talking and won’t shut up and goes on and on? I wonder if there is a similar term for writing/typing. “Diarrhea of the Fingers”? “Carpal Diarrhea”? “Ayn Rand Syndrome”? Whatever it is, this blog entry is gonna be like that. I wanted to get one more in before Christmas, and I have no real ideas. I guess you could say I have “writer’s blog”. Ha! Get it? Writer’s blog! I’m very very sorry.

— I had this thought about a week ago that the song “White Christmas” might not be referring to snow. And no, not cocaine either, like you may be thinking. Wouldn’t it be tremendous if it was just a horribly racist Christmas song? And it was misinterpreted for all these years and became entrenched as a Christmas tradition, but it had these horrible roots? My original plan for this blog was to have something like “Top 10 Songs Heard at the KKK Christmas Party” and have “White Christmas” be #1. But I soon realized that I couldn’t think of anything good for #2-10. “Tyrell Got Run Over By a Johndeere”, “O (Burning) Cross-mas Tree”, “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen (Unless You’re Black, In Which Case, Fuck Off)”. All of those are sort of funny, in an awful-punny kind of way, but you couldn’t make a whole list like that. Maybe next year…

— All I’ve been hearing about the last couple weeks is this “controversy” about Wal-Mart and other companies using “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. First of all, hasn’t this been happening for, like, ever? I can distinctly remember being wished “Happy Holidays” from people like Nitro from American Gladiators or the entire cast and crew of “Home Improvement” for years now. Or even in the graphics on the top of the screen during football games. It seems to me that the norm is “Happy Holidays” this and “Happy Holidays” that and has been for some time. I am actually surprised that Wal-Mart still used “Merry Christmas” so recently in this era of extreme political correctness. Why is this all of a sudden such a big deal?

While I dislike PC-ness as a general rule, the “Happy Holidays” thing never really bothered me. While there are a lot of Christians in this country, there are also a metric shitload of us who aren’t; it’s easy to forget that this time of year when Christmas is practically shoved up your ass. Although, I still celebrate Christmas too, so really, I have no point. Regardless, it’s a nice gesture, recognizing diversity and all that shit. So it takes a special kind of asshole to come out and protest a company for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. I’ve seen a couple different articles quoting random protestors spouting nonsense along the lines of “not using the word ‘Christmas’ implies that there is something sinful about it”, or that “Happy Holidays” is a slight against Christians. Well, no, fuckface, it’s not. It’s actually an un-slight against everyone else. It’s like these fucking bigots have their noses shoved so deep into their bibles that they can’t tell the difference.

Also, this quote made me laugh out loud: “Dick Otterstad of the Church of the Divide donned a Santa Claus costume and greeted shoppers with the message: Don’t forget about the meaning of Christmas.” Wait, was Santa Claus one of the three wise men? Wasn’t there some “Jesus” guy involved somehow?

— I was struck by inspiration for another blog thing like two weeks ago, at 2 AM while I was eating my delicious Honey Bunches of Oats. And then, the next day, I couldn’t remember it at all. It was like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry has an idea for a bit in the middle of the night and writes it down, only to wake up and have no idea what the hell he wrote. He eventually realized that he had written “flaming globes of Sigmund”, which clearly isn’t funny. This was just like that, except I didn’t write it down, I’m not a fictional television character (that I know of), and I don’t know if my idea was funny or not because I still don’t know what it was. So, actually, it’s completely different.

On that note, I just want to wish everyone reading this a safe and Merry Holiday and a happy new year too and if I hear Feliz Navidad one more time I’m gonna stick a screwdriver right through my eardrum into my brain.

The Man-Cry Movie

Guys cry while watching movies sometimes. We all know it; most of us don’t like to talk about it. But I’m not ashamed! In the interest of taboo-breaking, therefore, I am listing a few nominees for the Man-Cry movie hall of fame.

Now, I am not talking about anything resembling a full-on sob fest here. If there is any man reading this who spends his Saturday nights curled up in a ball on his couch, with his knees tucked underneath his oversize t-shirt, eating a whole carton of Ben & Jerry’s, sobbing uncontrollably to movies like Sophie’s Choice or Thelma & Louise or some other movie I haven’t seen but I assume is of the tear-jerky chick flick variety–this is not acceptable behavior! Why don’t you put on a dress and paint your toenails too, you girl!

No, I am referring to the Man-Cry. The Man-Cry is silent, and consists of a few involuntary downward mouth twitches and a general moistening of the eyes and/or sinuses. Sometimes during a particularly heavy Man-Cry a few actual tears will develop; this should be kept to a minimum. (Sometimes when this happens, I like to let one tear escape and fall all the way down one side of my face, and pretend someone is dumping out their trash in my living room.) The Man-Cry almost always happens at the end of movies, so the recuperation period is very short. If/when a Man-Cry is interrupted by your roommate coming home at the worst possible time, the best trick is to immediately turn on ESPN and pretend like you were just dozing with your face all mashed into the couch cushions, which is why your eyes are all red and puffy.

Now, my top 5 Man-Cry movies, in no particular order:

The Shawshank Redemption — I’m still not entirely sure I’ve ever seen the first half-hour of this movie, but thanks to TBS and TNT I know the end pretty much by heart. If I ever become a Hollywood director/producer guy, I will have Morgan Freeman narrate all of my movies. You can’t go wrong. How much less shitty would Flight of the Phoenix have been if it had Morgan Freeman saying lines like, “I hope the Sahara is as brown as it has been in my dreams” instead of Dennis Quaid being an asshole?

Iron Giant — The first and only time Vin Diesel will ever make me cry for any reason other than his acting “skills”.

Braveheart — “FRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!” Fuck yeah! Also, I just had the greatest idea ever. I think the world is ready for Morgan Freeman to narrate movies with a Scottish accent. This has to happen. Just imagine the line “Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin'” with a Scottish accent. Go on, do it. I’ll wait.

Flight of the Phoenix — The movie was just that horrible. Plus, I only had four, and nobody’s ever made a “top four” list of anything.

And finally…

Rudy — Goes without saying. The end is sort of the grown-up version of William Devane’s “Let them play!” from Bad News Bears Go to Minute Maid Park or whatever that movie was called.