Hello everyone, and welcome to another edition of “Kevin Types Shit and Everyone Fucking Loves It” for the new year. (I originally typed “mew year”, which pissed me off because cats suck my ass.) I am currently sick, so if this post rambles and smells like cough drops, that’s why. I want to check in with my opinion on two things that everyone has been waiting with bated breath to hear from me about. So, without further ado (adieu?)…

Lindsay Lohan – Eh, who cares really? She was bulimic and on drugs, big shock. I will cry a large tear for her over a delicious plate of nachos. Hopefully some good can come from this, in that her prodigious rack may soon be making its long-awaited return. My favorite part of this whole story, though, was the fact that she was shown the error of her ways by Lorne Michaels. Lorne Fucking Michaels. How far gone do you have to be for Lorne Michaels to say to himself, “This girl needs some help”? Hey Lindsay, if the former mentor of John Belushi and Chris Farley finds it necessary to sit you down for a little chit-chat, maybe it’s time you wiped the blow off your little pocket mirror and took a long hard look at yourself in it. (The mirror, not the blow.) Incidentally, if I ever end up in need of some type of intervention, I want Lorne Michaels to be in charge. How great would that be? I bet he would get former SNL cast members in to perform a sketch based on my situation. You know, as an “exercise” or something.

Rob Schneider: “Kevin…the Kevinator…”

Kevin Nealon: “Hey Rich, just making some copies.”

Schneider: “Alright! The Kev-man! Makin’ copies! Kev…”

Nealon: “All done. Later, Rich.”

Schneider: “Kevin-eleven! Wearin’ a long-sleeve shirt in the summer to hide the track marks! Kev-o-rama!”

Nealon: “What? That’s crazy, man. It’s just a little chilly in here, that’s all.”

Norm MacDonald: “Yeah, I bet it was real chilly out there in that alley. You know, where I saw you with that dirty crack-whore.”

Dana Carvey (as the Church Lady): “Well, isn’t that special?”

Nealon: “Who the hell are you? Look, you guys don’t know what you’re talking about, okay?”

Schneider: “Stairway to Kevin! Not ready to admit he has a problem! Kev-a-rino!”

Nealon: “Whatever. I have a lot of work to do.”

MacDonald: “Sure, sure. Hey, you know who else works hard? Crack-whores.”

The MS Word Paper Clip Asshole – You know what I’m talking about. The little animated paper clip that nitpicks everything you type and gives you little “tips” while you’re typing when you really just want him to shut the fuck up so you can concentrate. Suck my balls, paper clip! Oh sure, you can just “hide” him, but do you really think he is that easily gotten rid of? Who do you think is responsible for fixing “misspelled” words without asking you first? Or for randomly moving your margins all to hell every other line? I swear, every time I see a word capitalize itself for no apparent reason, I hear a faint metallic laughing sound from inside my computer. I think he watches me when I sleep too.

Bitch, if I wanted to use bullet points, I would have put in fucking bullet points!