So I wanted to write a few words on what has happened to my favorite show when I was a wee lad: Sesame Street. From age 2 to about 7, I watched that shit every day. Why? Well, what else is there to do when you’re 3? Regardless, it was a great show. Funny characters, moral lessons disguised as entertainment, cartoons about numbers, what’s not to love? In fact, I would still watch that old show now if I was illiterate or had some kind of brain disorder.

Anyway, I happened to be watching TV one morning a couple weeks (years?) ago and came across my old favorite and I was horrified. Apparently the show is now called The All Elmo, All The Fucking Time Hour. I think this is the reason that kids are shooting up schools. Not violent movies, not video games, not the absence of school prayer. Elmo.

See, back in my day, there was a balance. You had a little Grover, a little Big Bird, of course Cookie Monster, and the Siegfried and Roy of the muppet world, Ernie and Bert. They all served their purpose, and were on in small enough chunks so you didn’t get sick of them. A well crafted ensemble, if I may, reminiscent of the 2004 Red Sox, or even the cast of Seinfeld. Now? Constant Elmo. I guess there’s nothing inherently bad about Elmo, besides the fact that he’s fucking irritating. I get that kids enjoy his stupid squeaky voice and retarded personality, but what are they getting out of him? I find it hard to believe that Elmo is anywhere as educational as my boy Grover.

Grover taught us. He inspired us. And yes, he moved us. Grover represents the goodness that lies inside us all, yearning to be free. I am the person I am today because of the lessons I learned from Grover. Like, for instance, Near and Far. Also, counting and shit. But more importantly, Grover taught us how to live. Obviously he was not that bright, or coordinated, but he always tried his best and never complained. Like when he was Super Grover and always crash-landed everywhere. He just got up and kept trying. Or when he was the waiter, and that fat blue asshole muppet kept sending his food back and being a dick. Did Grover tell him off? No. Did he dip his furry blue muppet scrotum in the guy’s soup? I doubt it. No, he kept trying and trying and running back and forth, and eventually, he got the shitface what he wanted before immediately collapsing from congestive heart failure. (And you know that fucker left 10%). Plus, he was hilarious. And adorable. When I have kids, I want at least one to look just like Grover.

Wait, let me think about that. Okay, no, that would be fucking creepy.

But anyway, is Elmo any of these things? Not that I can see. Every time I’ve seen this guy he’s just asking people stupid shit like “What is air?” and “What happens to food after I eat it?”. Dude, it’s called an encyclopedia. Stop wasting our time. This shit would have pissed me off when I was 4. I’m sure it wouldn’t be bad in small doses, but this situation reminds me of the last few years of Family Matters, which were basically just Urkel doing progressively more retarded shit, and to hell with everyone else. I wanted to know what Aunt Rachel was up to, dammit!

So why is he so popular? Cute, yes, but so are most of the muppets. No, here’s the real reason: Elmo is a Giant Whore. Toys, cartoons, books, female lubricants; he is everywhere. I’ve even seen him as a guest on talk shows. Talk shows! He isn’t even real! I see on Wikipedia that he made at least three guest appearances on The Tony Danza Show. Now, obviously, Tony Danza is not very intelligent. But how does he not know Elmo is a fictional character? He had to have seen the puppeteer at least once. My point? Grover didn’t need to pimp himself out, he was too busy teaching the world how to love. And making me want to be a better man.

And that is why Elmo sucks.

Also, I read a while back that they were trying to get kids to eat healthier by having Cookie Monster eat vegetables. What the f? First of all, when you’re a kid, vegetables are disgusting. They won’t eat that shit no matter how much they idolize Cookie. It’s that simple. Also, has Cookie Monster sold out or what? No fucking way does he eat vegetables; just as there is no fucking way some guy can tell him “cookies are a sometimes food” and he’s gonna be okay with that. His name is Cookie Monster. He is a monster for cookies. That is the whole basis of his existence. His entire purpose is the acquisition and consumption of cookies. How is he gonna cut back? Is there a clinic? Either he’s doing it for a check, or this is the worst example of character assassination since Zack Morris scored a 1500 on his SAT’s and got accepted to Yale. Although, I can’t help but wonder if maybe he wouldn’t have such an obsession if he would just slow down and swallow some of the cookies, instead of shoveling them in by the fistful and chewing so maniacally that the chunks just fly out of his mouth like pieces of tree limbs out of a wood chipper. Take your time, man! Savor the cookie!

Savor the damn cookie!