Archive for December, 2009

This IS Christmas Music, Man!

Grab some holiday cheer! The guys are back for a pre-holiday podcast. Get drunk on egg nog and gather ’round the iPod with your loved ones as the guys discuss their favorite Christmas movies, shitty gifts, and the hidden creepiness of Big.

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The Entertainment News!

Hey guys, so we started the new blog and I appreciate all you guys for reading. There was some difficulty in leaving comments on the new site but all you have to do is type your comment in the comment box and then under “comment as” type in your name and leave the URL blank and then just hit post comment, If something comes up…just hit post comment again and it should go right up. Enjoy the Entertainment News!

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“Hey everyone…did you enjoy Alex making fun of me on the first blog? I don’t like how he overemphasized my gayness…btw, I’m pretending this mic is my penis.” Nice Bouffant hair by the way, adam. The last time someone put that much product in their hair, Richie Valens’ plane went down because it was too heavy.

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“Yeaaah Boy…that’s the last time Rihanna mouths off on me. I’ll put a ho in her place!”

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“Ohh Thnap…that bitch got legal representation?”

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Doing his best Michael Jackson impression with complete with crotch grab and plastic moon boots, Chris Brown indicates with his tattooed arm that he’s not above “stabbing a bitch”

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LeShawn has a look of utter terror after realizing that his non-coordination may have cost him his job. Instead of picking lady gaga up by her stomach and lifting her up, he was supposed to put his entire hand up her pooter and do the whole “poker face” song ala Jeff Dunham and pretend she was a wooden dummy.

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“This is where your fucking hand goes, LeShawn, right here! Dammit! “ Back-up dancers Javier and Jose jump on the bandwagon and illustrate her point…”Yeah Esse…right here…En la Vaginaaa!”

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After watching the latest installment of the James Bond Franchise, John Gosselin steps out of his New York City cab and addresses the paparazzi as “Bag….Douch…Bag”

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Defining himself as “too cool to speak” John wore the t-shirt that does all the work for him. That, and his ‘don’t give a fuck face’ while indicating “Surf’s up” almost closes the deal on the “marginal hawaiin poon” demographic.

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Attempting to get out of the car to do a photo-op his publicist immediately puts his hand on the car door and forces Hasselhof back in. So much for season 1 of “America’s got stupid beret”

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Enjoying one of the more lesser-known Starbucks holiday flavors, Helen Hunt reluctantly sips the “He chose poorly” Mocha-chino inspired by Indiana jones and the last crusade. Yeah…all the nerds got this one.

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“How I met your mother” star Jason Segel eagerly takes home a passed-out count Dracula in hopes of sodomizing him. Witnesses say the counts last words were “One, two, three roofies…ha ha ha ha ha (lightning)”

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Not to be outdone by her sister Khloe who married Lamar Odom, Kourtney Kardashian displays her pregnant belly after being knocked up by Kanye West.

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“Holy shit, If you’re really quite you can almost feel the regret and food stamps kicking!”

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Ready for a night on the town, Lindsay Lohan has all the essentials: crack lighter, cell phone, and orange soda. “Sooo I’m totally not looking my best right now and I’m all out of orange soda…isn’t there any sort of arrangement we can come to?”

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Not realizing she’s hit rock bottom, Lindsay Lohan vigorously gives the paparazzi a mediocre hand job in promises of a refill of her now empty Sunkist.

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Attempting to give the camera her best sultry look with her right titty exposed, Lindsay’s Belgian lover Sven yanks her back to bed reminding her that she has yet to adjust his homosexual bra strap and finish buttering his croissant as she grabs for one.

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In a candid moment Lindsay poses for the camera as she smokes a cigarette while grabbing the back of her assistant Yolanda’s head prompting her not to cheat at “naked spic tic-tac-toe” while she isn’t looking.

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“Dude give me your sister’s number…I had no idea she’d sprout titties like that!”

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Tara Reid ran out of gas on the Pacific Coast highway and is forced to hitchhike hoping that her warm coke zero and roast beef hoagie will make up for her 80-year-old legs and withered Vaj.

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Thinking she’s finally found a ride it wasn’t until five hours later than Lindsay realized she’d spent the afternoon propositioning a stop sign pole.

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Thinking the scandal was behind him, Tiger Woods looks at the 18th hole at Augusta wondering why security didn’t stop a would-be blonde mistress from breaking his concentration.

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“How the fuck am I supposed to do this chip shot with that bitch and her sign all up in my face?”

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“Yeaahhh wooo hooo….use the 8-iron Tiger!!!”

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“Just a crazed fan….huh motherfucker?”

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“I’d like to announce my temporary hiatus from golf pending my new endeavor of providing golf lessons for my lovely wife Elin, who is apparently still struggling with her irons.”

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Omar Knows What You Want

Drew is back! Without his wife! Listen as the guys talk about suave Chilean servers, Tiger Woods, and Meredith Baxter (-Birney).

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The AMA’s

Hey Guys,

Welcome to the new site of my blog. It’s been about a year since I posted my weekly or so blogs on myspace and since I’ve been busy doing my podcast Grab the Nub. Well the blog is back with it’s own site….so if you liked it before I’m sure you’ll hate it now. I’d thought I’d start it off with a recap of the Music Awards…so check that shit out.

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Janet Jackson opened the 2009 Ama’s with a tribute to her late brother Michael. I like how every one of her background dancers is wearing the S.A.R.S masks. Although they said that the knee pads were recreating MJ’s dance outfit, I think it’s a safety precaution for when Macauley Culkin demands oral on a whim you have to be ready to go. They say the knees are the first thing to go after all.

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(From left to right) Whitney Houston calls out her dealer for not supplying her with her pre-performance crack hookup, Uncle Ben is despondent wondering if he left the rice on too long, Janet is covering her mouth just remembering she forgot her S.A.R.S mask, Chris Judd is wondering if he pulled off his King Tut look, Diane Lane wonders if her new career path as a backup dancer will work out, and Sway from MTV mad that his big “let my hair out of my wool cap” moment won’t be as awesome as when KISS went without makeup. (exhale) …was that a stretch? You decide.

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Surprised backup dancer in the back is trying to decide whether or not Adam Lambert is gay by determining which is more enjoyable for him: thrusting his penis into his Aunt’s belly button or taking it in the rear from metro pole-grabbing Zorro.

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Case Closed

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In a last ditch effort to bring him to the hetero side, back up dancer “Kiki” shamelessly uses her hand to Entice Adam to have sex with her and give her an “A” on her “keep ryan from being gay” test. In response, Adam Lambert ala Gandalf pounds his staff on the stage and screams “You Shall Not Pass!!!”

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Adam triumphantly displays how many wieners he can fit into his “funhole” after he’s had time to do his yoga pre-stretches.

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Kelly Clarkson Proudly displays the dress she won at the 2009 hotdog eating contest in which she received a bedazzled stud each time she inhaled a coney island chili dog.

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Hey everyone…I’m Val Kilmer…you may remember me…. I thought I’d go incognito as a hipster Rabbi at this year’s AMA’s and the only one who is suspicious of who I am is a homeless Levar Burton over my right shoulder who is desperately hoping for “Reading Rainbow: The next generation”

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This could be one of those photo hunt games in what the left pic has that the right doesn’t. Uh…no Hacidic curls, no city background,alcoholic cheek flush, shit-eating glare, “V for Vendetta” rip off fedora, smirk at the knowledge that you can do the “top gun cheek clench” if asked.

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As the Gravity of his past transgressions set in, it took a concerned Tracy Morgan to highlight the scope of his faux pas. “I told you that it was only a matter of time before the ‘Race Queen’ would come down from her perch and get on your ass for being a white shitty rapper from Detroit and selling more albums than snoop!!”

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“Sorry bitch”

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“Listen, Cracker, I don’t give a fuck that Dre took you under his wing. You try some shit like that again I will destroy you! The only reason I’m only taking your past movie award instead of your ghetto pass is that you had the good sense to get rid of that awful fucking dye job.”

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Lady Gaga, in her intro to the AMA’s thought she would go old fashioned and do a “period piece” HA, I get it!!!

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Guillermo in the back is angry at tyrone for continuing his use of the S.A.R.S mask even after the memo that lady gaga was “clean.” Leroy, at the right, is not so convinced and does his own investigating.

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“Ah HA! I knew it…Anal Fissures!!!” As Leroy makes this on-the-spot declaration lady gaga responds with a belated “whoops!” while Mai ling in the foreground freaks out and runs for cover.

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“You happy Gaga?” Leroy Declares, as he rolls out a backup dancer victim of her virally contagious anal fissures. Meanwhile, little Re Re gives a microscopic second-look at her butt declaring…”Damn Leroy …you is Right!”

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“Oh shit…Leroy’s Right!”

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Miguel sounds the alarm by declaring “Anal Fissures in the HOOOUUSE!!!” Gaga glares defiantly into the camera and dares someone to call her out while and emotional Leroy pleads “I knew it was you Fredo…You broke my HEART!!!!”

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To redeem her image, Lady gaga kisses an unsuspecting Kermit hoping that some good can come of this night and he will turn into a charming prince that will sweep her off her feet.

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“Fuck!” So much for that. Meanwhile…Heidi Klum still hoping for Kermit.

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In a pre-airtime check Megan Fox makes sure that she got the last remnants of coke off her upper lip before taping begins. Even her Marilyn Monroe tattoo looks embarrassed.

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Joe Perry still angry that his last “wicken” girlfriend cursed him with aggressive skunk hair that flairs up anytime he’s in the public eye.

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As he leans in for a kiss from Katy Perry his skunk hair leaps into action and immediately jabs a white bang into her eye before their lips lock. The wicken girlfriend themed face on the guitar smiles in sadistic satisfaction.

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Pink, in an effort to revive her career was told she would have a scandalous piece in this year’s AMA’s by exposing her left titty and fucking Adam Lambert in the ass with a strap-on (which she mimics blindfolded). Unfortunately, event sponsors had a change of heart and decided to make her think it would happen but then yank her off the stage with a pulley before the performance began. “We fixed the Glitch!”

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Kanye West showers his girlfriend in kisses choosing to ignore the charges that she looks like someone poured 10 gallons of cottage cheese into an old snake skin.

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“Wait bitch, I haven’t had the chance to be a total douche-bag, motherfucker, overrated, stupid asshole, bad haircut, retarded glasses, ridiculous shirt, totally inappropriate, jackass (obama), inflated ego, no-talent, ignorant, upstaging, unwanted, cocksucker, asshole yet….thank you!”

Welcome back to the blog, Bitches!

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Dammit, Jeff!

Friend and former recurring guest Jeff stops by and gets on Kevin’s nerves. Also, a hookah!

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