Archive for January, 2010

Hobo-B-Q

Pete, Brian, and a coughing background Jeff stop by to talk to Alex and irritate Kevin. Topics include porn audiences, Alex’s dream to be a soup nazi, and spicy food measurement.

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This week in Entertainment!

So I think this post is a little weak, but that’s ok because they all can’t be great. I hope you comment if you like it. Soon I will be moving this blog to a new website that combines both the podcast and the blog. It always cracks me up so hopefully it makes you chuckle. Suck it, people.

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The Octomom shows off her breast enlargement and new wicker fedora in a new photo shoot showing off her amazing body? Her stomach looks like the slab of meat the rocky beat up on during that training montage. Also, why does her mouth look like Jack Nicholson’s Joker?

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Mischa Barton has her gloveless fingered makeup artist cover up her hobo hickey as she points her dead eyes towards her drug supplier to dip her cherry lollipop into his travel dish of cocaine.

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A nice bump of cocaine seems to be the only thing to keep her mind off the fact that she let the homeless “pants on the ground” guy suck on her neck in an attempt to leach off of his temporary fame.

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“Yes, I listened to John Mayer’s shitty music while we were dating.”

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Carrie Prejean allows a scripted nip slip for the cameras to take the attention away from the lifeguard she just blew to get his tapioca consistency jizz out of her hair. “Babe, I told you it’s been a while and I totally didn’t know that my un-viscous jizz wouldn’t come out after I dunked your head in the ocean.”

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Miley Cyrus’s PR agent has a look of grave concern after she realizes that the paparazzi’s cameras are now equipped with black light technology and totally picked up the remnants of the gangbang jizz fest (also the name of her new album). Miley does what she can to steady herself as she tries to walk smoothly while battling an achy and raw vagina.

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Christina Aguilera, always classy, attempts to pull the spandex out of her funbox so she can gracefully accept her new star on Hollywood boulevard. “Try Morningstar Douche-lube…for when you’re feeling ‘dirrrty’”

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Heide Montag, tired of Spencer molesting her in front of cameras decided to bring a copy of her latest playboy spread as a buffer to keep Spencer occupied during the opening of the G.I. Joe movie. Just as a precaution she puts her mini purse in front of her vaj just in case Spencer realizes that he’s just fucking a magazine.

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Snookie from the “Jersey Shore” is looking forward to a quiet evening alone when she realizes that the bartender used “early times” whiskey in her bourbon and root beer and decided it was Game On!

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“That’s right bitches…yeah…it’s pole dancing time” The girl in the fedora quickly reaches for her camera to catch the impromptu “moose knuckle” while snookie’s black bodyguard finally says “fuck it!”

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Mel Gibson after watching Jeff Dunham’s latest comedy special thinks that he can let loose a tirade of anti-Semitic comments and totally blame it on the ventriloquist beaver that he holds in his left hand. “fucking jews!”

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Mel gives a look of defeat after being found out, after he realizes that “Dude, you totally have your hand all up in that beaver!” doesn’t mean quite what it used to. It was only later that Mel realized that he couldn’t sell it unless he was drinking a glass of water during the speech and not actually moving his mouth.

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The crowd cheered Mark Mcgwire calling his swing into the stands ala Babe Ruth. It wasn’t until later that they realized that he was merely signaling his roid dealer that along with his juice fix he wanted to give the dugout groupie the semi-shocker. That’s two in the pink and not necessarily one in the stink. Go cards!

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Tiger Woods attempts to revive his image by hanging out with quarterback Tony Romo. Little does he know that Tony is fearful of Tiger’s horniness and immediately covers his nuts wondering whether or not he should take his name off his PHONE!!!

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Tiger: “Seriously dude, I wasn’t going to try anything and frankly you’re making me look bad.
Tony: “I know bro…I hear what you’re saying. I’ll let you have your way with me in the locker room and don’t worry I will erase your number from my voicemail.”
Tiger eases Tony’s fears by wearing his hat which indicates how many brown fingers he wants to put in Romo’s balloon knot.

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Tired of being the spokeswoman for domestic violence, Rihanna attempts to go incognito by wearing the carrot top “fun disguise” complete with silly red hair, shades, and wicker prop basket.

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Rihanna meticulously removes the “sadness pubes” off of her tongue and places them on her plate of domestic violence memorabilia while wearing her strategically placed swimsuit that covers the bruises when Chris Brown was “letting off some steam.”

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Kate Gosselin in a post-divorce haze, crazily wheels her homeless “u promise” shopping cart full of bags of her own feces as a message to the t.v. execs that they promised to keep the show going.

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Jessica Simpson’s portly body guard blocks off the paparazzi coming in from the left side totally forgetting the sly crazed fan who goes for an impulsive boob grab under the premise of putting extra M&M’s in her Louis Vitton bag.

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After taking a public bathroom hooker shower, Lindsay Lohan does a quick cooter-taste to see if she’s presentable enough for a night on the town.

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“ssssso yeah…Lindsay just totally gave herself a frontal oil check before slithering into her camo pants.” Lindsay’s gay friend Lars said to his fag hag right behind him before attending the “homosexual shorty shorts, dredlock beanie, yellow man-purse extravaganza.

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That’s right folks….Seal cums chocolate.

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Alex’s Holiday Misadventure

New Nub for the new year! Alex tells his holiday travel stories, and Kevin makes wisecracks.

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The Spelling BEE!

Back by popular demand this is a repost of one of the infamous spelling bee blogs. For those of you that don’t know, the spelling bee is by far my favorite programming on ESPN. There’s nothing better than a collection of awkward pre-pubescent nerds sharing the national spotlight and displaying their OCD to the world. Enjoy. Also…thanks everyone for checking it out and tell your friends or landlord.

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The spelling bee is a time when socially awkward teens are judged on their ability to compete with other kids, in front of their family, a large crowd, and about 50 million viewers. This is like the perfect storm for comedy. Young Saalam is putting all his hopes on the good graces of Vishnu: the God of spelling and curry, to help him out on this next word so he doesn’t have to settle for his plan B: running the neighborhood quickie mart.

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After spelling the word correctly Saalam is told he can only take the trophy home if he can effectively lift it above his head.

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Naaaghgaaahhh!! Suck on that Kiwi-Cherry flavored slurpee!

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Young Shanti ponders the prominence of the gay marriage debate in the next presidential election between spelling rounds as a stipulation of being sponsored by the San Francisco Chronicle.

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Although ultimately not winning the competition, Kachem proved invaluable as one of the judges announced she lost her wedding band in a nearby bathroom drainage pipe and wondered if anyone had an arm skinny enough to fish it out.

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Contestant # 103 glares in disgust at 102’s shameless cocky attitude by proving that she can simply “air spell” the word in her hand without the use of the number tag. Also, I love 103’s shirt slogan. I haven’t seen an Indian girl that cocky since Sackajaweeah thought she could steal the dollar coin out from under Susan B. Anthony’s nose.

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Robert Martin from the Guinness book of world records brought his camera to this Manhattan sidewalk to capture the impossible. That’s right, people with more time on their hands than the kids and parents that participate in the spelling bee. Fucking protestors who have not only taken the time to make misspelled signs but have managed to border them with fruity coloring paper.

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“Uhhh…are you sure I’m supposed to be here?” “ I came here to give the specific free throw percentage for Lebron James in hopes of winning Caveliers tickets, but you got me next to so many nerdy white kids I feel like Allen Iverson being tutored to make grades.”

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In response to a mental meltdown, Parminder simultaneously takes a snort of the cocaine residue on the inside of her placard and flashes her sexy pedicure to the male judges on the panel hoping that at least one of them is a pedophile.

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“Yeah…umm…This Chinese muthafucka asleep!”

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Mau Ling attempts to spell “Harassment” as #4 blatantly check to see if “Red Beans and Rice didn’t miss her”

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A plethora of celebration in three parts: 1: “I’m so happy, here dad take my paycheck while I smell your pungent cologne. 2: “ Oh shit…did I just give my dad my paycheck?” 3: Hey fucking judge…someone fill this trophy with beer so I can forget that I just financed my dad’s new slushee machine.”

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(Yaaaawn). “Shit, if these fuckers can’t even spell Onomatopoeia I might as well go back to playing pocket pool and wearing white socks with brown slacks.”

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Mike and Mike in the morning take a minute to interview the 1982 winner of the Scripps Howard national spelling bee who used to be 6’2” but has since withered from his former glory attempting to discuss the pitfalls of the silent “E” and his recent work on TLC’s “little people big world” as a stunt double for Zachary in the episode where they replaced his shunt.

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“Hi, so my name is Kelly and I totally highlighted my hair to separate myself from all the ethnic kids who usually win the spelling bee. I guess you could call me the great white hope with a blonde streak!.” Meanwhile, Shakari, posing as a reporter holds the microphone in a Samurai stance prepping for the inevitable beheading that will occur if this Caucasian unseats Hindi domination.

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The Spelling Bitches in Yo Face!!!! I haven’t seen this many sweaty receding hairlines since right before the Enron verdict a few months ago.

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Meanwhile the Boys of the Spelling bee Strut their stuff and pose for their new pinup calendar entitled “The Unfuckables”

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“Three, Two, One…annnd ACTION!!!” , yells the camera man right before the final showdown between dork #1 who is praying for victory and dork #2 who is futily trying to hold in the inevitable “battle dump.”

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The two white kids still in the tournament high-five each other while the Korean contestant stares down his opponent and threatens to put on his “raiden hat” from mortal combat to complete the intimidation. Whitey McDorkerson casually strokes his bifocal straps as if to say “bring it bitch!”

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The Scripps-Howard makeup artist attempts to do a last minute cover-up of the blood vessels popped in the eye of #28 after he tried aimlessly to hold in the “nervous poo!”

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Evan O’Dorney, the eventual winner of the spelling bee was cleverly equipped with the new black Everlast “wrist straightener” in an attempt to un-gay the victory ceremony.

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As the first white kid in years to win the spelling bee, Evan O’Dorney goes spiritual and opens his hands in a Buddhist sentiment to indicate openness and unity among races.

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Upon hearing that he would be interviewed by Stuart Scott, Evan immediately closes his hands and locks them in a closed position signifying the Buddhist interpretation of “Not This Motherfucker!”

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A local reporter writes down an immediate transcript of Evan’s Victory Speech after the ESPN microphone failed due to an overabundance of tard-vibes and spittle.

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“Are you fucking serious!! I won third place!??!!” “Somebody, quick help me take off this 1950’s era nerd-skirt…because I’m doling out the pussy tonight!!”

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In a conciliatory 4th place send off, “bracelet-girl’s” mom does a queen-like wave while her daughter launches into a full on “Meeeahh heaahh” ala Millhouse from the Simpsons.

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“Fuck”

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Don’t Let the Steve Go Down On Me

The guys are back and here-er than ever! Listen to hear their opinion on star-naming, poop notaries, and Kool-Aid shopping, plus some sports talk. Grab it!

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