It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I haven’t felt like it. Fuckin’ sue me. Anyway, something happened recently in my life that has prompted me to express my thoughts. Plus, now all zero of you that have been pestering me to write more might leave me the fuck alone for a while.

So what happened that inspired me to write? The only thing that could. The long-awaited return of John McClane to the big-screen.

I saw Live Free or Die Hard last week and have a few things to say. First of all, the title is fucking horrible. I appreciate the effort of working the words “Die Hard” into a phrase, but they could have done better. For one thing, the “Live Free” part hints at some kind of patriotic shit that isn’t present in the movie. Besides taking place on July 4th, it really isn’t relevant. But more importantly, as long as “Die Hard” is in the title, shouldn’t it come at the beginning? I, for one, would have much preferred something like “Die Hard or Live Free” or “Die Hard: Not the Car Battery” or “Die Hard: The Hardening” or “Die Hard Episode 4: Return of the LAPD” or “Die Hard With Even More of a Vengeance”. The one they actually went with makes me think they were trying to be too clever. What will they come up with for the next one? “Heroism Will Never Die, Hard As it is to Believe Sometimes”. Plus, there is someone with OCD somewhere whose alphabetized movie collection will force him to sort this movie separate from the first three. Roll your eyes if you must, but this guy exists somewhere and he is already stressed out about it. One more thing about the title. Wouldn’t “Live Free and Die Hard” make more sense? The “or” makes it sound like a choice. Isn’t John McClane living free and dying hard throughout the movie? Sorry Alex, but I still think “Die Hard 4.0” would have been much much better.

Nitpicking aside, I thought the movie was tremendous. That kid from those horrifying Mac commercials was actually pretty entertaining. Bruce Willis is still master of the wisecracks and weary chuckles after blowing up a whole bunch of shit. There were plenty of ‘splosions. Bald John McClane was only slightly less cool than Receding Hairline John McClane. All in all, I give it an 8.

Did I mention the film was rated PG-13? I was prepared to hate it based on this alone. Actually, I said to myself going in that if there were less than five fuck’s I would be disappointed. As it happened, there were zero. But from what I hear, there was a lot edited out of the final cut. Which makes me hopeful that the DVD might have an unrated version with all the language and blood that we have come to expect. As it turned out, aside from a few conspicuous instances of McClane calling somebody “jerkoff” and bad guys falling out of cars/helicopters right before they blow up, the PG-13-ity wasn’t really very noticeable. Still, let me state for the record that whoever made the decision to tone down the movie for fuckin’ teenagers needs to suck my balls immediately.